An Insomnia Fueled Reflection of a Boy Named Brendan
I know about you but I’m not exactly thriving in 2020, hell I’m barely surviving. I’m constantly depressed, exhausted and broke. But what else is new am I right? I’m not writing this to complain or to make you feel bad for me. I guess I’m just writing because I can’t sleep and I’m sad. Hard to say which is the cause and which is the effect there. Either way it sucks. And maybe you can’t sleep or your sad or you’re annoyed that I started this sentence with ‘And’ or all three. If I don’t know why exactly I’m writing this I at least have a rough idea. It’s because I need to. Even if no one reads this I have to do something to express myself and not let it eat me up inside.
There’s nothing physically wrong with me of course. Sure I’m gaining weight, but who isn’t in 2020. Mentally and emotionally I just haven’t been okay for awhile. It’s taken a toll on me and my relationship, probably even my dog. I’m really not trying to just say “I’m depressed and my life sucks!” so I’m sorry if it’s coming off that way. It’s really just that I don’t enjoy many aspects of my life right now. However I’m doing almost nothing to change it. Sure I’m stuck in Chicago without any of the opportunities I thought would be here right now. That doesn’t mean I can just give up, or it shouldn’t at least. But lately that’s how I’ve lived, as if I’ve given up. I barely write anymore, I’m not trying hard enough to find new opportunities, and I’m slacking off on most of my responsibilities as an adult. I’m also not cutting my hair but that’s really just for the flow, I don’t think that’s a problem.
So I guess the question is how do I get out of this cycle? Well really I just need to remember to care again. Y’all remember when I used to care? I don’t even care about my fantasy football league right now. It’s true, no one does, and no one cares about anyone else’s fantasy football league either, but i digress. Now the old me would have said, “Enough of this, starting in 2021 I’m gonna get my life together!” But not this time Jack! Rent is due on Tuesday, I can’t wait that long. It’s gotta start right away or I’m just gonna be a big lazy slob next year and the year after that. I want to write more and audition for some weird socially distant something or other. I want to have a savings account with money in it and people to see my brother more than once a year. I want to maybe some sit ups. Just a few at least to start, any at all would be an improvement from now. More than anything I want to be able to be asleep next to my girlfriend and my dog at 4 in the morning.
Now to tie this into you the reader’s life: Don’t wait until 2021 to do something. Do it now. They say time flies for a reason. So get your life together or fix up your old car or plot your arch enemies murder today rather than next year. 2021 isn’t gonna magically make our lives better. We have to make our lives better. I know I literally have to make my own better or I’m gonna be screwed. Plus my dog will never let me hear the end of it. Thanks for reading this. I hope it helped you, because it’s already helped me.
Also if you find any spelling errors in this, I don’t care.
-Brendan “The Hopeful” Osorio