What the Hell is Going on Here?: My review of the film Tenet, a movie I have not seen
The following is NSFS (Not safe for Sheila)
Hello there. I have just watched the trailer for Christopher Nolan’s new film tenet and frankly, I don’t know what the hell is going on here. Hey Chris, what the hell is going on here? I get that you gotta make movies that engage your audience and really make people pay attention and yadda yadda, but this is a trailer bro. I’m already confused by your movie. And you’re out here saying it’s not a time travel movie but like the whole thing is about time moving backwards or something? All of this is somehow related to the word tenet? Do you just say the word and reverse time? Can you just decide to control time whenever you want? Can I go back in time and not watch Dunkirk? Because I’d love to that.
Listen, I like probably most of Nolan’s movies, but here it’s like he heard everyone’s complaints about Inception and Interstellar and said “Fuck you, I’m going to turn the thinking up to eleven on this next one” and frankly, I just can’t do it anymore. I’m not gonna let Christopher Nolan get away with this and rob all of my friends and myself of $15 just so we can be like “Uh, I think I liked it? Did you like it? Am I dumb if I didn’t like it?” So here’s what the movie is:
John David Washington is like a guy with a vague job description who wears a bunch of suits, Robert Pattinson is probably just some smooth talking old buddy of his who’s gonna help him do some job that Michael Caine won’t approve of but will help with anyways. Kenneth Branaugh is I guess some evil Russian time manipulator guy who’s going to take someone JDW cares about or something and then Marion Cotillard is gonna get hit by a train. I’m sure some other nonsense will happen in between but I promise you the movie will end with some ambiguous bullshit about how you can’t really change the past or destiny or something like that. Then Robert Pattinson will reveal his name was Robin all along.
So I guess I’d give this movie a C plus. The actions probably pretty good. Looks like they crash an airplane so that’s fun. Michael Caine will probably say something funny and I’m sure this movie will be nominated for a visual effects Oscar or something. So I guess maybe don’t go see it in theaters, you can wait for it to be at redbox or on prime or something. Not because it’s not worth it but because of the ‘rona. Stay safe friends!